Snowballing

Snowball effect has taken place! The true core emotions have been compacted into the centre of my being, and I have built multiple layers of protective snow around them, so that now I rarely cry.  I will laugh way more than cry.  So much healthier, but is it?  Hiding feelings isn’t healthy, but is it possible to simply run out of energy to occupy a certain emotion?  To just grow tired of how you really feel, and take an easier route, even though it’s kind of false?   These are things I wonder about. Today was a baby book moment.  I went to the gym! I faced the walls of mirrors, and all of the big intimidating guys with my patchy hair hidden underneath a baseball hat.  I bought the hat today and clearly was not thinking of sweat when I chose the beige one off the rack!  At least I put the green one back!  Needless to say, I sweat through my hat, well my hair is pretty bad at absorbing anything lately, so I guess the sweat had to go somewhere.  I ran hard on the treadmill for exactly 25 minutes.  25 minutes is like my medium workout.  If I’m feeling rather athletic and in the need of a challenge I will do 30 or 35, and if I’m kind of lazy, in pain, or just feeling like a blob, I do 20.  So at least I put up a decent fight on the treadmill!  Entranced in a daydream this morning I dreamt of a million dollar idea.  An idea that maybe I will pursue one day if my singing falls through.  Except, my singing will never fall through, because honestly, it’s probably the one thing that has kept me sane throughout all of this.   People hopefully will look beyond my hair loss and see a bigger picture, and see that my voice can make a difference.  Whenever I am sad, I research my songs, I practise, I research summer programs, I dream about the Met, I don’t know, but it always involves singing in some way.  Singing is so freaking complicated, but yet incredibly simple.  It’s the mastering of being like a duck.  I know sounds crazy but, hear me out! Ducks are seamless on the surface of a still pond.  They swim around, and they look like they are barely moving anything, yet they swim around so gracefully.  But have you ever seen a duck’s feet while they swim?  They are pumping away, working very hard.  This is the essence of singing.  It seems so easy from an observer and a listener’s perspective, but really, we are like the duck, working really hard to keep momentum and support!  And people who are new at this, like me, sometimes are crappy at making it look like it’s easy and seamless.  My quack is too loud, and I need to learn how to pull it back so that I can consistently quack for four hours straight for nights and nights in a row.  Don’t worry, this will happen one day.  Maybe I will be quacking all over the world.  Quack!  Back to my million dollar idea.  My new motto is, “if you’re going to lose your hair, do it with flair!” And my new company is called Flair Headwear.  Flair Headwear will sell all of the cutest wigs, hair pieces, head scarves, funky head bands, and everything a woman needs to go through hair loss fashionably! I know there may not be a ton of business for this type of company, but maybe there is?!  Who knows, until you try!  Another idea, I know it is stepping on religious and racial boundaries but, I kind of understand why Muslim women sometimes wear hijabs.  Hair really has too much say in how we look! Grr, it angers me because, I now, having experienced a lack of hair, force myself to see the beauty from within, which so many people don’t have to do because they look okay, or normal, every day.