New Hair

 My head doesn’t get cold at night anymore. But I still wear a hat because I am used to it now.  My hair is growing back. I’m not sure how much of the new growth really wants to be there, and how much is just a result of the painful steroid treatment I am stopping.  And the hair that is growing back is still patchy, and there are still glowing bald spots. But celebrate the small stuff they say.  I am happy, almost nervous about the whole thing. I don’t want to get my hopes up because if all of this hair decided to fall out, then I am back at square one. If I have no expectation, then I don’t get upset, and life moves on.  If I put all this faith and happiness into the new hair, and it leaves, I’ll just be so upset all over again. And that was hard enough the first time.  But the thing is, I will probably be dealing with this whole issue for more than just a few more months. And I keep looking for signs that signal it to be over.  And by over I mean a few different things.  I look for consistency, like having no hair or evenly dispersed hair. I am not really content when it’s in between.  The thickest growing patch of hair is on the very top of my head. This is where I got all of my first set of steroid shots because they don’t hurt that much on the top.  The other times I have received the shots around my ears and the back of my head, those places hurt the most because of the nerves in those areas.  I tend to rub my head a lot when I don’t have a wig on, and I’m not sure why.  Perhaps its because my head is covered for so many hours in the day, and it feels nice.  I also feel a guilty feeling in my stomach when people see my hair now.  Since it’s coming back, everyone looks at it with huge smiles and they say I must be so happy.  It hurts me because maybe I should be really happy. But the reality is that I am not.  I am not sad, just resigned.  I just don’t want to feel any more emotions about the issue.  I want facts, logic, and progress.  But all of the issues that stem from my hair are emotions that are flaky, not logical, and unpredictable.  All opposites.  So for months now I have tried to fight these qualities and find answers, and try my hardest to create progress in order to grow back all of my hair.  Now, I give up.  Not in a quitting way, I give up so that I can occupy a different view on the issue.  First of all, it isn’t an issue.   If all of this was meant to happen to me, I say bring it on.  I won’t let it define me, and I won’t make myself suffer in the hopes that maybe I won’t be so different someday.  This means, I won’t get steroid shots anymore.  I love myself too much to let someone penetrate my scalp forty or fifty times in less than ten minutes, and leave me crying, and shaking.  It isn’t his fault.  The other options are putting me in a room with severely itchy cream on my head that creates blisters.  The things I have learned about myself in the past six months are wild.  And here they are:

1.     I am so strong.  Why?  I am not afraid to cry in front of many people.  I’m not afraid to tell my story.  I’m not afraid to show people that I am human, and fragile.  I'm not afraid to surround myself with only positive, and loving people. 

2.     I love my family.  I always did, but I now know how comforting and loving they all are.

3.     I have a better understanding of what treatment is.  Treatment doesn’t have to involve someone with a stethoscope.

4.     I really am hardwired as an achiever.  This “setback” didn’t affect my academics or singing life. 

5.     It is important to love who you are as well as your body.  Still working on this one. I think we all are..

6.     There sometimes are no answers. And having no answer, or doing nothing is in fact a solution.

Devote to Emote!

I’m going to talk to students about my story.  I don’t really know why I want to do this so much. All I know is that I really, really think it will help me.  It would be amazing if it helped them too, but I think the act of me telling my story and what I have learned to other people will give me a sense of purpose, and help me with the process of healing.  When I am talking about all of the morals and lessons I have learned and hope to learn, the morals themselves sink deeper in to me, and I believe them more readily.  Also, body image is a bit of an untouched subject when it comes to school, but it is on the brains of all of those teens.  Hopefully I can give them an example of how it is important to love and care for not only what you look like, but also what you feel like. A big lesson I am learning right now is that my emotions are justified.  A lot of the time, I try to dismiss my emotions, try to control them, or think that they are wrong. But they aren’t.  You are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. And if you don’t acknowledge it, it will only grow bigger and bigger, and be harder to deal with later. If you are pissed off, be pissed off. Just be aware of things that make you feel better.  Talk to people. Talking is so important. Everyone is so busy these days, sometimes I feel that a “stressful" life is the mark of a “successful” life. And this is not the case. It isn’t how many things you can balance before the silver platter crashes over your head, and you collapse.  If you aren’t working every second, that doesn’t mean you are lazy. This is a mentality that I need to get over. I sometimes over program myself to the point that I am frustrated and tired. Stress and anger lead to sickness for me.  And then since I am a singer, the sickness affects my passion, and since I am getting hired to sing in different shows, it is crucial for me to be healthy.  And so, I need to lighten my load, but how? I usually just look at my planner and decide which things don’t need to happen, or I exercise, or I write.  Being stressed isn’t something to be proud of, but I see people walk around and talk about it with each other. And this is how it goes. Two people will start a conversation about how stressed they are. And usually, they then expand and talk about what they have to accomplish and how there isn’t enough time, ya da ya da. When really, wouldn’t it be a nice change if someone asked how you were going to deal with the stress? Or maybe gave you a suggestion to deal with it? Rather than both just going your separate ways and still feeling stressed and maxed out, what if you guys just confided in each other that you aren’t sure what to do to make it all feel better.  Honesty. Why is this a good idea? Because, you might get some good ideas, and also little acts of humanity (such as this) bring you closer to someone. Admitting that you don’t know something, is a sign of strength. It sounds all backwards, but this is what I have come to believe.  Back to dismissing emotions.  I was asked to sing at a funeral the other day. I did not know anyone in the family, nor the deceased, so I figured it wouldn’t be horribly difficult for me to get up there and give the offering of my music to the family. And since, it isn’t a show, the spotlight isn’t shining on my face. However, during the service, I was completely moved, and I openly wept with the family for their loved one.  Little things touched me.  Like how she always had a twinkle in her eye even when her memory was failing.  Maybe this touched me because I see a bit of this in one of my relatives.  Needless to say, when I got up to sing it was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time.  My throat was all choked up, my nose was runny, but what saved the day was that my heart was in the right spot.  By no means was this performance one of my most technically accurate and well crafted ones. But it came from my heart. I had moments of fear when the organ started to play, I wasn't sure if I would be able to do it.  But somehow, after that first breath in, I started to sing. It was a shaky start, but then my heart sang the rest for me. And I moved people. I have never sung more from my heart than I did at this funeral. I was talking with the family afterwards, and they said that my humanity as an artist was more beautiful than any perfect note could ever be. And to me, this is the mark of a true musician. So, acknowledge your feelings, because they could bring you closer to someone, or at least guide you to the path of feeling better.  Emotions are part of what makes us human, they are beautiful just like us.

Hat with Hair for the Gym :) My Lucky Day

A Hat with Hair for the Gym - Hallelujah! - Click here to see!

So my ponytail hair that I can put any hat over came in the mail today. I was ecstatic! I tried it on and was immediately inspired to go for a run and have the ponytail swoosh behind me. That is exactly what I did. And I brought my gym pass along too, just to go in the gym, and experience what it would be like to not be noticed.  And let me tell you, I had one of the happiest mornings in a long time. First, the sun was shining, and my run was perfect. I got in the gym and did my weight work out.  There wasn't much to notice except that people weren't as courteous as before.  People treated me normally! They didn't really care that  was there! I was using the tricep machine which has different workout stations on each side, and people actually came up and used the other ones while I was on the tricep one.  Before, I feel like people didn't come within a few metres of me, because I was maybe a bit intimidating and of course, very different.  Confident bald girl at the gym, I think might be a bit scary to most people. Anyways, I blended in so much it was odd.  I never really noticed before, but I'm so used to looking down at the ground at the gym, and not in the mirrors. Well, today I was looking in the mirrors.  Part of me felt bad, that I can't have this much confidence as a bald woman.  But, maybe the confidence will grow.  I don't believe that I should force myself to be bald in public in order to gain more confidence. That seems a bit wrong to me.  Anyways, check out the website! These ponytails are awesome!

Funny Encounter #2

So this encounter might not be as funny as Funny Encounter #1, but here goes! I was studying, again.. Look at me! So diligent. Ha! But yes, I really was studying, this time it was a Tuesday morning, in the privacy of my bedroom.  It was a sunny morning and I had my blinds open so my rainbow machine could scatter different shaped rainbows across the walls of my room.  I know it seems random, but I really like my rainbow machine, a little fake crystal spins around and when the light hits it, the rainbows scatter around my room.  I’m sure there is a way better scientific answer, but all I really care about is the pretty colours I get on my walls! Anyways, I was in the middle of some intense listening for my Music History Exam, when I heard a tapping at my window.  I turned around and saw a delivery man.  He was motioning to the door, and he yelled through my window and said he had a delivery.  I knew that my landlords upstairs were getting a new fridge.  They have been receiving new refridgerators every week because they are never happy with the current one. I’m hoping this one is a keeper. Anyways, so I pointed towards the door, and I met him there. Then he said he had a fridge to deliver, so I gave him the cell number for my landlord. After he talked to my landlord, he thanked me for the help and then said, “By the way, is that cancer?” while motioning towards my head.  Since I was studying in my bedroom and it was the morning, my hair wasn’t on yet, and he caught me off guard.  The audacity of that man I tell you.  I looked him in the eye and said, “No.” Then he asked, “Oh, well what is it?” Then I said with my death-smile, “Go to the main level to deliver the fridge. Have a nice day.” And promptly, I slammed the door. It felt really good until I started to cry. I cried because the whole thing just caught me off guard, and I wanted to go upstairs and yell at the guy, but I didn’t because that’s just not the right thing either. It sucks in these situations because nobody meant to make anybody upset and then it happens, and then there is no answer because it’s too upsetting to try to get an apology out of someone like that. So you just take all the hurt and wrap it up in a little ball inside of you. And that little ball slowly turns into strength. I am so much stronger now than I was in the fall.  I remember, at the end of October my school choir was having a concert. I was going to have to wear a head scarf on my head, but I wasn’t sure if I should ask permission from my choir director or not. So I approached him, and there were a few other people ahead of me with little things to ask him. Finally when it came to my turn, I just blurted out, “I’m wearing a head scarf for Friday’s concert because a lot of my hair has fallen out.” I have never said a sentence so fast in my life. I didn’t even wait to see the reaction on his face because I walked so fast out of that room. And people who know me well know that I walk really fast. I’m not sure if my conductor even knew what I said. But as soon as I left that room I was in uncontrollable tears. Whereas now, I can talk about it with people, and tolerate their questions.  Well, to a certain extent. I can be tolerable only if they consider me as a human being and not as a science experiment.

Funny Encounter #1

It’s exam time.  The library suddenly becomes a bustling place where everyone you know is there.  And, frankly, not much studying goes on if you are sitting in the coffee shop area.  Which is where I was the other day, eating a great chicken sandwich before I went off to prepare for a final. Since everyone is in the library, you’re bound to run in to people you know, acquaintance, friends, profs, all of the above. In my case it was an acquaintance.  She approached me, I was in the corner on a comfy chair reading some notes and eating, and she came and sat on the small empty chair beside me.  We met in first term of first year because we had one class together, therefore she is not a music student which means I never really see her, and it was one of those strictly school related friendships.  Anyhow, our friendship reached the level of Facebook worthy, hence we are “Facebook friends”.  The term “Facebook friend” is really up to debate, I mean I wouldn’t consider myself good friends with everyone I have on Facebook, but I don’t have anyone on my Facebook that I haven’t really had a conversation with or something like that. So we start talking, the usual boring stuff, exams, summer etc. And then she throws the notorious question…

            “So I was looking at your profile, and you have no hair?”

“Oh ya, I lost all of it this past fall due to an autoimmune disorder.”

And here comes the best response so far to my rare condition.. Are you ready?

            “You have AIDS??!!”

Please note that this comment was said loudly in a noisy coffee shop, where half the people are already eavesdropping, and the other half are still within earshot.

“No! Autoimmune Disorder doesn’t stand for AIDS.. I believe, well from what I have learned, that AIDS is Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome… “

            “Oh cool!”

Okay so this comment almost made me laugh. For a couple reasons:

1.     We were already having a completely awkward conversation.

2.     Who says “Oh cool!” when I just explained what AIDS meant?

Needless to say, I pulled the classic “Well I really should get back to studying” card, and she left.  When she was out of the coffee shop, I started laughing to myself.  Autoimmune Disorder, AIDS, I guess I understand her logic.  But, really?!