Bed Head!

In a weird twisted, definitely way too positive way, hair loss can look super cute.  It’s like I have this perma-bed head thing going on.  It’s super adorable sometimes.  Tomorrow is my first performance for lots of people with my lack of hair.  No worries, I have my gypsy turban to wear, but still, I’m a little bit nervous about everything.  Feeling in control is really important to me.  I think it’s important to everyone.  When I listen to myself sing though, the quality of the sound I produce is not as good, as when I let go more, and just trust that it’s going to be there.  Learning to trust is my new goal.  I’m learning to trust with so many things in my life right now.  First, I’m learning to trust that my hair will be okay, whether it is there on my head or not, it won’t ruin my day.  I’m learning to trust that my voice is inside of me, and I don’t need to force it out.  I’m learning to trust my body, in the fact that I don’t need to run to complete exhaustion to get a good workout, and I don’t need to keep tabs on when I work out, nor feel guilty when I decide not to work out when I had planned to.    Gosh I don’t need to be so hard on myself!  It’s like a mental struggle in my brain sometimes, the should do, and the want to do.. However, it’s “achieving balance”.  Whatever that means.  I could probably write a beautiful sentence of what it means, and how one should go about doing it, but it’s like a puzzle piece, and whose to say that it’s going to fit perfectly in my puzzle?  And, if I were to rearrange my pieces so that it did fit into my puzzle perfectly, would that obscure my picture?  Would it make things better actually? And I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not the only person out there who has not achieved this so called balance that everyone talks about.  And yet, people preach about it to me like it’s their day job!  And I’m so tempted some times to tell them to get off their high horse and tell me some of their problems, because I know they have some.  And maybe they should consider my feelings before they start harping on finding this balance, when they are nowhere near it themselves.  Gosh, it is frustrating sometimes, when people, and myself, can’t even follow their own advice properly.  But I don’t know it’s a fine line, because people will do what they want to do, and it takes all kinds to make the world go round.