Alana

Oh Alana.  Talking with Alana because I need counseling. And she happens to be the classic therapist, not that I really know what the classic therapist is like. But she says the stereotypical comments like, “How does that make you feel?”  And so, it makes me giggle a bit.  Although she has no answers for me, she helps me because I can just vent to her.  Vent about my baldness!  Vent that I have this issue that makes me feel different from everyone, gives me unwanted attention while at the same time makes me feel more lonely than I have ever felt before in my life.  I have yet to write a journal about my wig yet.  His name is Jimmy.  I know, please laugh, it’s a reaction that I want from people.  I want people to laugh, to see the bright side, and not just think of him as a wig.  I hate the word wig.  Mostly because if you say it it just sounds ugly.  And no nineteen year old girl strives to be ugly.  Jimmy looks a lot like my old hair.  But he isn’t my old hair.  Jimmy curls a lot like my old hair, but those curls are Jimmy's, not my real hair.  And although Jimmy is real, he isn’t real in my mind.  Sometimes I wonder this question.. Am I harder to love now?  Am I harder to love and like because I have no hair?  Does that change me?  Why?  So now I have an automatic screening test to see if the guy I want to date is good enough.  I hate that.  Especially when people say, “You’re so lucky you have like a way to make sure the guys you date are good people!”  Okay sure, but it’s not lucky.  I might end up with a blind person at the rate this is all going.  Wow why am I so depressed! In more ironic news, I have started knitting and it is really therapeutic and relaxing for me.  But the ironic part is that I am knitting headbands for people for Christmas.  Headbands.. why?  Well because they don’t take long, and they are kind of trendy and cute.  I am so excited to go home for Christmas and surround myself with love from my family who matters the most to me.  I just hate that despite hair growing back on my head I still am upset.  I know the problem cannot be fixed over night but it still eats away at me every day.  This sounds a lot worse than it is.  I am really happy and doing okay, but I mean it is a constant struggle in a way.  When I was watching a movie with a guy the other day I laid down to rest my head, and then I realized I really should not lie down with Jimmy on.  And so I said to him, “ I just have to take my hair off.”  Okay, he knew about the situation with the hair loss before hand!  Anyways, he said “Oh ya okay!” And I got up to do it and I started to cry.  No girl should have to feel so vulnerable in front of somebody that you hope to impress.  No girl should feel the way that I felt right then.  Ashamed that I felt less beautiful, ashamed that I have to take Jimmy off when ever I want to just lie down.  And ashamed that all of it made me cry in front of someone who doesn’t know me very well.  I have to heal from within.  But a new perspective has started to dawn on me in the past couple of days.  With great suffering, comes great understanding.  Having endured hardships, you learn more about yourself, and other people.  The feelings of loss, shame, and grieving, are the feelings that bring out the most growth in a person.  This experience has changed me.  I will always remember it.  And through it all, I still got my A plus in music history.  The only thing that might hinder my A plus is if I suddenly went blind.  And if somebody up there is planning my fate, could you please leave me be for a little while?  The past couple years have not been my healthiest, that’s for sure.  Having battled the start of alopecia, swine flu, strep throat, mono and strep throat, and now a more intense version of alopecia, I think in 2011 I need a little change.  Well, maybe a foreshadowing was that I spent last New Years sick in my bed.  I am determined to be as healthy as possible for this New Years.  If I am sick, I will not be a happy camper.  While I journal, I can’t help but think of all the reactions readers might have to these entries.  All the things they might say.  The response I want is not a word, just a hug.  A hug to let me know that you know that I am hurting.  That you may not understand, but you care enough to show me.  Lately I have been naming a bunch of inanimate objects in my life.  Mostly, Jimmy and Lola (the head Jimmy sits on), and my new stuffed animal toys.  I named a few other things too.  Anyways, I wonder why I have started this?  I always have named things, like my laptop’s name is Carmen.  Gosh sometimes it is hard to know if one of your characteristics is part of a big issue you are dealing with or if it has always been there.  Surely names are harmless?  Sticks and stones rhyme?