Sinking Heart

Do you ever get a heavy feeling in your heart? Sort of feels like something inside you is sinking, and sometimes you want to tell people, and sometimes you just want to be ignored.  I don’t know why but I get more sad about my hair at night time, and around couples.  I think it’s because I feel lonely, and weird.  Two feelings that nobody enjoys.  I have a big fear that nobody would ever want to date me because of this “quirk” I have.  I know its probably not true, but it still lingers in my mind from time to time.  Especially when I see other people who are so happy with each other.  I guess I feel lost.  Because I don’t even know how to be comfortable completely, and happy completely with myself, let alone another person.  I get sad because I hate that a physical feature governs my emotions so well.  How does a lack of hair have anything to do with my personality? Logically nothing, but emotionally, everything.  And that’s how alopecia rolls along.  Logically, you are healthy, just “sans cheveux”. But emotionally, you tremble, cry to yourself, and put on a brave face.  You come home from a great day at school, only to find yourself looking in the mirror and tearing up.  Looking at yourself and then analyzing what your eyebrows look like today, and wait, is there an eye lash missing?  And then becoming frustrated that you care so much.  The sadness quickly turns into anger, and then all of a sudden you pick up your stupid Styrofoam head and throw it with all the force you have.  You just pick it up and throw it.  You don’t want it.  You never did.  But here it is.  In your room, taking up space, looking weird.  Making you feel weird.  You drew red lips on it to make it more feminine.  Heck, anything to feel more feminine.  And you want to jab it with scissors and rip it apart and stomp on it, but you don’t because you need it.  And as quickly as all of the anger came, it leaves.  You pick up the Styrofoam head, and place it back on your desk.  And the sinking feeling in your heart returns, so sometimes you lock your door.  Keep yourself away from everyone.  From everyone or anyone who looks at the real you and obviously notices your baldness.  Even if they love you for it.  They notice it more than they would if you had a messy ponytail.  Even if they love you, still, they notice.  I don’t want that.  Lying on your bed, you look up at the ceiling and try to breath deeply.  You have the shaky breaths, the ones that loud are uncontrollable.  You stay there and breath until someone knocks on your door, or you get distracted.  And then you forget about the whole thing.  The only thing that will conquer my alopecia and all the issues that stem from it is inner strength.  No steroid shot, or encouraging word will rid me of this stupid, stupid disease.  Disease. Gross word.  Inner strength to look behind the faces of other people to see who they really are.  Inner strength to accept the variety of ways a person can be beautiful.  Inner strength to know that beauty can’t be bought.  Inner strength to be blind from the glances I get in the gym.  Inner strength to be able to reveal not only a bald head in public, but a patchy head too.  Inner strength to know that it’s okay to break down.  Inner strength to know when help is needed.  Inner strength to know that alopecia isn’t everything.  Inner strength to know that I am just are worthy as I was six months ago.  Inner strength to know that the true Shauna can never go.  Untouchable.  Unlike hair, that will come and go and change colours, the real me, and what makes me beautiful can’t leave because of my screwed up immune system.  Great that I can write that in a sentence, but still I cry.  Still I feel ugly.  Still I am lonely and weird.