When your tummy gets all in a knot, and you don’t know how to untie it, what do you do? Sometimes, my stomach just gets in a knot, and then my attitude turns sour, and I want to shut the world out. My hair situation is getting so much better. So much so, that I haven’t blogged as much recently because I just have an absense of things to say. Nothing really is inspiring me to write lately. Maybe it's because I am on summer holidays, and having to memorize tons of music for my opera program that I am doing later on this summer. I am really excited about that. But as far as my hair goes, I am doing so much better. It is growing back. I can’t believe it. I refuse to believe it. But yet, it’s really dark and thick on the top of my head. And last time I visited the doctor, we decided to do an experiment. An experiment to see if the stupid and painful steroid shots were actually doing something for my hair. I didn’t think they were, but he thought they were really helping and he wanted to keep going with them. So we decided to do a few shots on the left side of my head in a particular bald spot, and see if grows in more than the bald spots that mirrors it on the other side of my head. I dunno, I had a speech all prepared in my head for when I would see him, and then when I went in, I did my usual routine of taking my wig off, and he just smiled at me, and said it looked amazing, and the treatment was going so well, and blah blah blah. How was I supposed to say, wait a minute, I don’t really like these shots, they hurt and I don’t believe they work? I just kept my mouth shut for a few minutes, and then I tried to explain how I didn’t like them. But only, to fail, and end up getting them again. I was so sad. I thought, for all of my strength that I have, why couldn’t I have told him off? Maybe because I thought I should believe in what he was seeing, in what everyone else is seeing. They are seeing black hair on my head. And what am I seeing? Bald patches around my ears, and at the back of my head. A silver tinge to my hair because some hairs are white, and some grey, or translucent. And it’s so easy to throw on my beautiful wig and forget about it all. Forget that it happened. Sometimes I do, and it’s weird because when people compliment my hair, I say thank you with a smile. Before, I would feel guilty, want to explain my situation, and feel like I didn’t deserve that compliment. I’m not sure what has changed, and if it is a good change? I know feeling guilty wasn’t a good feeling to have, but maybe that was more true to myself. I’m not as afraid to go in public with my short hair that is patchy, it all depends on my mood. If I am going with someone else I know, then I am fine. But if I am alone, it is harder for me. I feel like I shouldn’t make eye contact with people, but you know the worst is over. The growth is good, so much that people wouldn’t think I was bald at a first glance. However, I kind of want to shave it. I want to make it grow back thicker. I don’t know if that myth is true, about shaved hair growing back stronger, but sometimes if you believe it in your mind, then you seem to make it come true for yourself. What do you think? I apologize for not having anything interesting to blog about. Hopefully something of substance comes to mind in the next week. At any rate, I still have some confusion about my hair delusion.
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