Acceptance - Let's Rethink This

It has probably been half a year since I have written.  It all comes and goes.  My thoughts and feelings towards alopecia change like the crazy unpredictable winter we have been experiencing.  This fall, I had the feelings of triumph.  There were weeks that would go by and I would not even think about alopecia.  It felt like a distant past, a hurdle that I had overcome.  Then with it’s usual personality, back it came out of nowhere with a big taa-daa!  I’m not pulling out handfuls of hair, and it’s nothing like it was over a year ago.  Just lately the hairline behind my right ear has been changing it’s usual direction, and creeping upwards a little too much for my own comfort.  Not to mention a new patch above my left temple, and one at the nape of my neck too.  However, all of them are totally disguisable, so it’s my little secret. For now.  But just as if all my alopecia-related thoughts were inside a dormant volcano for the past few months, they have definitely just erupted.  There’s no way to know how much hair is going to fall out, or how long these patches will stay with me, or what caused them.  But if I were to ignore everything that I’ve heard from friends, family, loved ones, doctors, teachers, websites, and just focus on what I feel in my gut, this is what I’d say.  I’m tired of searching for ways to “accept” my alopecia.  Whether that be with wigs, steroid shots, anything that is focusing on the “hair” part of the problem.  When I think about accepting it, it validates that there is something to accept, something inherently wrong about me.  I know perhaps this could be thought about in a different way, but this is how I think.  And there is nothing inherently wrong about me.  Everyone has something they deal with, one of my issues just happens to sometimes be visible to the world.  With that fact there are a bunch of psychological burdens, but none of it is my fault.  Giving myself the power to believe that there is nothing to accept feels like a load of emotional bricks has just been taken off my shoulders.  What I want is to gain control of my worries.  My worries that plague my mind, and make me feel like I’m drowning in stress.  These worries are constantly with me, regardless of the hair forecast on my head, but whenever there is a change of weather up there, my stress levels become even more noticeable to me, to a point where I often try to dream up my next solution to calm them.  And I do believe that the alopecia and my stress levels are linked together.  But what I don’t believe is that if I can manage to control my stress that that will automatically ward off any future outbreaks of alopecia.  I think that stress inflames the alopecia, but I don’t think that having no stress means that I will have no spots.  I’ve gone through periods of low stress levels since my large break out over a year ago, and yet my leg hair and arm hair have not grown back that much at all.  In fact, perhaps I am a crazy person, but to this day I notice bald spots on both my legs and arms.  So, as for my current action plan, I am trying to deal with my anxiety and stress.  I’m working with a traditional Chinese medicine doctor, as well as doing some gestalt therapy.  Both seem to be helping me in a new way, and I’m excited about them both.  Thanks for reading :)

My story captured in a video.. For Continental Hair in Toronto!

Let it Be

My Italy adventure has come and gone, but it has surely left a mark. It’s safe to say that I have about 85 percent or more of the hair I lost in the fall, back on my head. And it is nice, healthy hair. Lots of people have tried to put labels on why it decided to really come back while I was abroad, but I think it’s a much better feeling for me to just accept it, and be happy with how I feel on the inside rather than poke at all the external factors that may have played a role. New favourite song: Let it Be. The song summarizes a lot of what has gone on for me. The moment that I contemplated not wearing a wig, was the moment the hair growth started to pick up.  The time in which I grew to not even think about wearing one at all during my day, that is when the growth really sped up.  The moment in which I stopped analyzing the back of my head using the 2 mirror strategy, that is when things started to changed.  And although I am so happy that I have my very own hair on my head, I am not as attached to it as I used to be with my old hair.  I think that just comes with the territory.  I am starting to learn how to be confident in who I am, and embrace the things that make me unique.  And this is where I have found my beauty.  Not a fake, external, trendy type of beauty.  But a deep beauty connected to your heart and soul. This beauty I think can only come out of you when you make yourself vulnerable.  And another big thought that I like to ponder is that, we are never “there”. It’s a constant journey, with small destinations, but we are never “there”. And so, even though my hair has filled in now, it could go at any point, and return at any point.  And so, learning how to detached emotions will be a very useful skill.  I think it’s useful for anyone, especially those pursuing careers in performing arts.  But for me, the important thing is knowing that my hair is my hair, but it doesn’t have anything to do with what makes me Shauna.  But the pretty amazing thing about this whole experience, is that I think I will be learning from it for the rest of my life. It has touched and changed my views on so many things, things that I thought were never related to hair.  And if anyone is reading who has alopecia, this is what I have to say to you.

A good friend told me this, “Sometimes things are taken away from us to show who we really are on the inside.” I believe it.  Losing my hair showed me my inner strength, something that I didn’t know I had. And although it is hard to have a problem that is so visible, yet also so isolating, I promise you that it has no reflection on who you are. Alopecia is a part of you, but it can never be you.   And you might have to learn of a new way to think of things, a way that doesn’t include labels, and ideas, a way that just simply accepts something for just the way it is.  And this concept might seem radical, but it has really helped me ignore all of the reasons people have tried to dream up.  Also, I won’t tell you that you are beautiful, but I can help you try to feel it for yourself. For me, being told I was beautiful seemed fake at times. As if people just think anything that is a bit out of the norm should be called beautiful.  Regardless of whether they meant it or not, beauty needs to be fed from inside of us. And so, taking time and investing in one of your passions would be my biggest advice.  Doing something that makes you happy, proud, something you feel that you are good at will help you a lot.  Not only does it take your mind off of what is going on, it also reminds you that there are many things in life that make you happy, not just having hair on your head! Surround yourself with loving people. Cry as much as you want. Smile and laugh just as much.  Know that this is a bump in the road. Really, really know that this is just a bump.  And maybe one day, you will look back and see everything as a huge blessing. I am starting to see it this way.  And know that the things that make you who you are can never be taken away from you.

I hope this helps you, and thank you for your support in reading my blog. I will blog again soon!

My First Hair Cut :) Since you know..

Today I got a real haircut!  A haircut with my own hair.  I went into the hair salon to pick up my mum, and when I did, my former hairdresser offered to just trim up my hair and blend it for me! I was so excited.  As I sat in the chair, I couldn’t help but think, wow, this is my first hair cut on my hair since last July.  Besides, shaving my head of course.  It was so wonderful! And as the trimmed hair from the scissors fell to the floor, I smiled at the fact that I had enough hair to even style, and make a bit of a mess on the floor around the chair I was in.  And that was when I knew I am going to beat this.  Alopecia, will always be a part of me, but it is not and never will be, me.  And I love my hair, but I love myself and who I am way more.  Also, the other day I went to Toronto to film a movie for Continental Hair about alopecia, and their wigs and how they have helped me.  I loved the experience, I felt like a star!  I got to try on 4 different wigs, and for the majority of the film I am wearing a red wig.  I looked like a Jetson! And if I had had my glasses with me, I would have looked like that red haired girl from Scooby Doo.  I actually teared up while they were filming, because Michael asked me what my first experience was like coming to Continental Hair.  And I said, “I walked into the salon with my Mum and my brother, and Michael immediately brought us to a private room where he pulled out a photo album.  In the photo album there were pictures of people just like me, who had come to Continental Hair to get wigs.  And, those people were smiling.  I immediately knew I was in the right hands.  I showed them pictures of me before the hairloss happened, and they put me at ease by saying they could find the right hair that would match what I had had.  And it only took one day to get my wig.”  This is the part where I cried a little.  I continued to say, “What these people do at Continental is beautiful.  They give back our privacy, they make us feel comfortable, a feeling that is a luxury when you are going through such a public and visible change.”  Or something along those lines.  They had to stop the filming, so I could wipe my eyes, and then we continued.  At the end of the shoot, I got to do my “Pantene Moment”.  I flipped my hair around (the wig), and smiled, and was just like one of those girls in the hair commercials.  Overall, it was such a great moment, to be so confident in front of a camera.  I will post the video on my blog as soon as I get a hold of it! Sorry it has been so long since my last entry.  I have been a busy bee.

Lack of Inspiration - Bad Title

When your tummy gets all in a knot, and you don’t know how to untie it, what do you do?  Sometimes, my stomach just gets in a knot, and then my attitude turns sour, and I want to shut the world out.  My hair situation is getting so much better. So much so, that I haven’t blogged as much recently because I just have an absense of things to say.  Nothing really is inspiring me to write lately.  Maybe it's because I am on summer holidays, and having to memorize tons of music for my opera program that I am doing later on this summer.  I am really excited about that. But as far as my hair goes, I am doing so much better. It is growing back.  I can’t believe it. I refuse to believe it. But yet, it’s really dark and thick on the top of my head.  And last time I visited the doctor, we decided to do an experiment.  An experiment to see if the stupid and painful steroid shots were actually doing something for my hair.  I didn’t think they were, but he thought they were really helping and he wanted to keep going with them.  So we decided to do a few shots on the left side of my head in a particular bald spot, and see if grows in more than the bald spots that mirrors it on the other side of my head.  I dunno, I had a speech all prepared in my head for when I would see him, and then when I went in, I did my usual routine of taking my wig off, and he just smiled at me, and said it looked amazing, and the treatment was going so well, and blah blah blah. How was I supposed to say, wait a minute, I don’t really like these shots, they hurt and I don’t believe they work?  I just kept my mouth shut for a few minutes, and then I tried to explain how I didn’t like them.  But only, to fail, and end up getting them again. I was so sad.  I thought, for all of my strength that I have, why couldn’t I have told him off?  Maybe because I thought I should believe in what he was seeing, in what everyone else is seeing.  They are seeing black hair on my head.  And what am I seeing?  Bald patches around my ears, and at the back of my head.  A silver tinge to my hair because some hairs are white, and some grey, or translucent.  And it’s so easy to throw on my beautiful wig and forget about it all.  Forget that it happened.  Sometimes I do, and it’s weird because when people compliment my hair, I say thank you with a smile.  Before, I would feel guilty, want to explain my situation, and feel like I didn’t deserve that compliment.  I’m not sure what has changed, and if it is a good change?  I know feeling guilty wasn’t a good feeling to have, but maybe that was more true to myself.  I’m not as afraid to go in public with my short hair that is patchy, it all depends on my mood.  If I am going with someone else I know, then I am fine.  But if I am alone, it is harder for me.  I feel like I shouldn’t make eye contact with people, but you know the worst is over.  The growth is good, so much that people wouldn’t think I was bald at a first glance.  However, I kind of want to shave it.  I want to make it grow back thicker.  I don’t know if that myth is true, about shaved hair growing back stronger, but sometimes if you believe it in your mind, then you seem to make it come true for yourself.  What do you think?  I apologize for not having anything interesting to blog about.  Hopefully something of substance comes to mind in the next week.  At any rate, I still have some confusion about my hair delusion. 

Body Image

Body Image. What is it? The way we think of our bodies. How many people are actually happy with their body? How many people are indifferent, and how many people live their lives trying to change their body, and forget about all of the good things it already does? To be honest, I don’t have the best body image. In fact, that’s one thing I wish I could change about myself.  I wish I could just be carefree about my body, and not worry about whether I got enough workouts in, or whether or not I have eaten well each day. Maybe that is just caring about my body. But what is the difference between poor body image and caring about my body?  The line is fine. It is small, and some people tread so carefully in between.  And it’s all in the eyes of the beholder. An anorexic always is searching for a thinner body, and food is the enemy. How can we find balance. Blah.. I don’t like the word balance. First of all because it is just a bit vague. Is anyone really sure of how much of each part of life is needed to create balance? There are no rules, it’s up to us. Sometimes I like having some rules for things, just to make it all easier. And that’s where certain eating disorders and poor body image ideals come into play. People impose rules on themselves. Since nobody knows really what is right, no one actually knows the correct balance, and then we impose an ideal balance upon ourselves.  We think up different ideas of what we would like for ourselves without considering what is actually possible.  And hence, fad diets, crazy exercise routines, and for me, stress.  Stress seeps up on me covered with an invisible cloak. I am horrible at figuring out if I am stressed or not. Usually, I have some stress if I find myself asking myself if I am stressed.  And then, the other tell tale sign of me being stressed is the weight. I feel like there are these heavy weights that sit right on my chest, in the middle of the part that deflates when I exhale.  The weights don’t move. They sit there, and bug me while I sing, they bug me while I try to sleep at night. The only way for them to leave is through some exercise, talking to someone, and best of all, writing.  What’s stressing me out right now in my life is my public speaking adventure. What if I get laughed at by a group of 13 and 14 year old kids? What if I can’t keep a brave face, and something touches my overly emotional heart and I cry?  And why am I so afraid to break down?  It’s funny how when I was young I thought that older people had no fears. Fears are only for kids to have. But that’s not true. Children are often more fearless. I will mebrace my inner child, and step into a realm of vulnerability.

New Hair

 My head doesn’t get cold at night anymore. But I still wear a hat because I am used to it now.  My hair is growing back. I’m not sure how much of the new growth really wants to be there, and how much is just a result of the painful steroid treatment I am stopping.  And the hair that is growing back is still patchy, and there are still glowing bald spots. But celebrate the small stuff they say.  I am happy, almost nervous about the whole thing. I don’t want to get my hopes up because if all of this hair decided to fall out, then I am back at square one. If I have no expectation, then I don’t get upset, and life moves on.  If I put all this faith and happiness into the new hair, and it leaves, I’ll just be so upset all over again. And that was hard enough the first time.  But the thing is, I will probably be dealing with this whole issue for more than just a few more months. And I keep looking for signs that signal it to be over.  And by over I mean a few different things.  I look for consistency, like having no hair or evenly dispersed hair. I am not really content when it’s in between.  The thickest growing patch of hair is on the very top of my head. This is where I got all of my first set of steroid shots because they don’t hurt that much on the top.  The other times I have received the shots around my ears and the back of my head, those places hurt the most because of the nerves in those areas.  I tend to rub my head a lot when I don’t have a wig on, and I’m not sure why.  Perhaps its because my head is covered for so many hours in the day, and it feels nice.  I also feel a guilty feeling in my stomach when people see my hair now.  Since it’s coming back, everyone looks at it with huge smiles and they say I must be so happy.  It hurts me because maybe I should be really happy. But the reality is that I am not.  I am not sad, just resigned.  I just don’t want to feel any more emotions about the issue.  I want facts, logic, and progress.  But all of the issues that stem from my hair are emotions that are flaky, not logical, and unpredictable.  All opposites.  So for months now I have tried to fight these qualities and find answers, and try my hardest to create progress in order to grow back all of my hair.  Now, I give up.  Not in a quitting way, I give up so that I can occupy a different view on the issue.  First of all, it isn’t an issue.   If all of this was meant to happen to me, I say bring it on.  I won’t let it define me, and I won’t make myself suffer in the hopes that maybe I won’t be so different someday.  This means, I won’t get steroid shots anymore.  I love myself too much to let someone penetrate my scalp forty or fifty times in less than ten minutes, and leave me crying, and shaking.  It isn’t his fault.  The other options are putting me in a room with severely itchy cream on my head that creates blisters.  The things I have learned about myself in the past six months are wild.  And here they are:

1.     I am so strong.  Why?  I am not afraid to cry in front of many people.  I’m not afraid to tell my story.  I’m not afraid to show people that I am human, and fragile.  I'm not afraid to surround myself with only positive, and loving people. 

2.     I love my family.  I always did, but I now know how comforting and loving they all are.

3.     I have a better understanding of what treatment is.  Treatment doesn’t have to involve someone with a stethoscope.

4.     I really am hardwired as an achiever.  This “setback” didn’t affect my academics or singing life. 

5.     It is important to love who you are as well as your body.  Still working on this one. I think we all are..

6.     There sometimes are no answers. And having no answer, or doing nothing is in fact a solution.